People that I l-o-v-e

I just wanted to mention that I love the following people:

1. My mom – aka Momma T-K

In the past 5 months, she has been a beacon of determination, hope and never-ending persistence. She has shown me that with a positive attitude, a person has the internal strength to overcome anything. Including loss of eyelashes…however, there is a small part of me that thinks she relishes in using synthetic. Mostly only because she passed that on to me. 😉 Loves ya, Mom.

2. Seth Wilkin – who also has some fancy-schmancy Army title that is too complicated for a civilian such as myself.

Though he may have a constant tan, Seth is currently deployed to the sand trap of Afghanistan. Pukes so much.

And there he is, on the homepage of MSNBC. Proud, yes, but it also brings tears to my eyes thinking of him being over there…him and all of the other brave soldiers. I don’t support the war, but you can bet I support my troops. Seth, you are a kickass friend. 

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

As an avid follower of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I was more than entertained by this last weeks’ episode entitled “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.” Dennis educates the gang on his tactics to landing girls, then essentially Jedi Mind-Fucking them. The system is as follows:

  • D – Demonstrate Your Value
  • E – Engage Physically
  • N – Nurturing Dependence
  • N – Neglect Emotionally
  • I – Inspire Hope
  • S – Separate Entirely
Only from a show as totally whacked as Sunny could I see this one coming. No matter what you call it, being DENNIS’ed or Jedi Mind-Fucked, it amazes me how easy it is to fall into the trap of your own head. I can think of various songs that reinforce awkward emotions, such as Colbie Caillat’s “Realize.” Vom.

I mean, I only listened to it like 3…4 times today. I probably should have stuck with “Over and Over Again” with Tim McGraw instead. It just feels like once you start to care, the tables turn and the opposite party no longer does.

So yes, I called my mother in hopes that she could osmosis me her patience, because when it comes to a text message un-returned I want to pull my hair out. There is something about the waiting period that makes it painful to do anything but look at the screen of my iPhone. She, of course, is full of genius ideas that only those of biological decent are privy to.

“He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You..I..I..can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are acting like the best friend.”*

A good friend of mine told me she never liked the initial stages of dating. She told me she found it awkward and stressful. Forced situations that were no where near anything resembling comfortable. And I never got what she was talking about. I never understood her dislike for something I considered to be so carefree and entertaining. I suppose that is the narcissist in me. Who wouldn’t love someone paying attention to you in hopes that you might return the favor?

“I…I’m interrogating you. I haven’t been on a first date in a long time..”*

Then my dating light-bulb moment happened. I finally got it. Once you have had someone, or simply found someone, that knows you inside and out — someone new seems dismal in comparison. It’s all small talk, and getting to know you’s. It’s awkward…and sometimes painful. But, I guess, if you can get through that…it might just be, well, meant to be.

*quotes from one of the best movies ever: the Holiday

A Weedy Run-In

I don’t know who remembers back to August when I met Richie (how could you not) but my awkward, unplanned run-in with him this weekend at the Apple Cup tailgate has inspired me to finally record that ridiculousness that was Richie. His “professional” name by the way is Rich, or so I am told by my boss — but we’ll get there.

I met Richie on a Thursday at Happy Hour in Fremont. Courtney and I were catching up, and it was no more than 20 minutes before my encounter with him that I had said, “Where are all the pot-smoking loser-retards I used to date?” He was by far the cutest of his group, and seemed to have some potential. I mean, he wanted to go on a zoo date. How cute is that? Please note that him having a zoo pass did not set off any alarms in my head that he was a complete and total stoner.

In addition to our anticipated Saturday zoo date (on which we were going to double with Courtney and his friend Eric), Richie insisted on taking me to dinner Friday night and practically made me swear on my Nordstroms Visa that I would not stand him up. Seeing that I had plans to go a sponsored party with the Twins, we set it up for an early dinner date…annnnd I was stood up due to lack of effective communicating. If he ever signed up for, selective listening would be a definite trait listed.

Regardless, I let it go. Who was I to hold onto one mis-communication? (Read: Lara is a pushover) Plus, I met a totally retro-Microsofty at Friday’s night outting that gave me hope that the sea is still full of legitimate, normal fish. And Richie text me promptly at 9:30 am. It seemed my dating-table had turned within a short 24-hour period. Win!

Note: preemptively declaring a win is a set-up for dramatic failure.

Several things happened between that first text message and the end of my Saturday, including but not limited to the following: meeting him and Eric at Norm’s before 11 am — the bar section, a DRH (delayed reaction hangover), Richie giving his number to girls at the bar that wanted to buy weed…don’t ask me why I didn’t walk away immediately. Just don’t. The e-mails to follow are what resulted from said “date,” if you could call it that.

K: So Lara, any details about the stoner boy? You spent all day Saturday with him!

Me: Oh.My.God. Like I mentioned to you K, he is sooo clingy. I was with him all day Saturday because I had no out! Every time I was like I am going to go do this — for instance, take a nap, he would respond with “you can take a nap at my house..i won’t come in.” It was like the never ending day of reasons for me not to leave. Then when I finally did leave he was like when are you coming back? Agh. Too much. And did I mention that at some point he asked me to dinner and told me not to fret because he would sell some weed before so we could go out to eat. Winner? …NEEEEXXXT.
Oh and the capper?

My boss is his neighbor.

K: OMG I just laughed out loud. Love the fact he was willing to sell drugs to pay for your dinner. And he lives near your boss so when you want to spend the night, your boss can just give you a ride to work. Perfect-you can’t let this guy go! You need to find me one of his stoner friends.

Me: Done and done, K. He has a few other winner friends. There is Erick, who is not that cute, a little bit pudgy with a two-year old and a custody battle. He doesn’t smoke as much as my obvious winner, nor does he sell so I am not entirely sure how he will be able to pay for the lifestyle you require. BUT he does live on 3 acreas of land in a house he bought and owns his own non-drug related business. Then there is the Arabian guy who has a son and owns a limo company with his parents. Take your pick.

Also, at some point I was offered said drug money in return for my hanging out with him. That makes me one slutty action short of being a prostitute. Watch out Julia Roberts, here I come!

K: I just cried I laughed so much. And then my officemate asked me why I was crying/laughing so I had to divulge the story. Don’t worry though I kept your identity a secret so they can’t link you as the girl that made out with Eric.

As for offering you money to hang out with him, I don’t even know why he would think that’s an okay thing to say on a first date. Did he pay his other “girlfriends”? I think I’ll take Erick-he sounds like my type to a t. I love kids and dealing with an ex-wife sounds like never ending excitement. Since he doesn’t sell, I could always make him go into business with Richie to pay for my lifestyle.

But the Arabian guy sounds too good to be true- he would probably pick me up in a limo on our first date and what girl says no to the guy in the backseat of the limo?

Me: Ok time out “that girl who made out with Eric”? I’m super emabarrased now and would like to know why anyone would ever know me as that!? Ah!

Please do share said story with all. I actually find it to be quite amusing myself as I asked Courtney Thursday night right before meeting Richie “what happened to all the pot-smoking loser retards I used to date?” and then the universe thought “hmm if that’s what Lara wants, I’ll giver her the best possible loser retard that doesn’t just smoke weed – he’s gonna SELL too.”
I really think you’ll like Erick. But I have to note, he was never actually married. He just doesn’t like condoms. And who wouldn’t choose having a kid over a little extra friction during sex? Jeez, I certainly would.
As for the Arabian limo driver. I can’t be certain but per your comment to saying no, i am almost positive that is where Erick got his ex-never-wife kncked-up. There is something about ceiling lights and tinted windows that sets the mood, yknow?

K: My officemate didn’t know what your name was so he and ben asked me “what is the name of the girl that made out with eric?” and that’s a direct quote. Don’t worry now you will forever be known as lara. I’m glad the universe found you another guy that surpasses all others before him. Erick and I will have amazing double dates with you and Richie. Maybe the Arabian can drive the four of us around for a night on the town in the limo and the boys can make enough “stops” along the way to gather enough money to buy us dinner. Erick really sounds like my type- maybe I can look him up on Myspace?

L: OMGGGGGGG you guys crack the hell out of me. K, what really made me laugh out loud was seriously picturing you with this baby dady and his weed, with the Arabian limo driver. It was you, telling him to go to some fancy restaurant, having to deal with the baby mama and all….omg cracking up again. 🙂 And Lara, when are you going out with Erick again???? At some point make out girl has to turn in to next date girl 🙂

Me: K, I am thinking we should not only double-date with Arabian limo driver as our chaperone, I feel like we should have a huge Woodstock-esque joint weeding, excuse me, wedding somewhere cool like berkley. I bet Erick has myspace. All the cool kids do. It’s way more obscure and less trendy. Something a stoner would be less likely to pick up. Especially since initially you had to go to college to have Facebook, back in the day. Which is school unless you get kicked out for selling to pot to people like Marcus Trufant. (hint: i went on a date with him.)

I will be next date girl when Eric asks K for my number. However the fact that it’s almost noon on monday and Kerry has not sent me an overly excited email exclaiming Erics interest in my digits leaves my dreams of dating a non-using drug slinger shattered.
That is, unless K forgot because she is lost in her own narcissistic undertow fantasizing about her new boyfriend plus one (read: his daughter) then it’s ok.

K: You’re pretty big time if you went out with a guy that sold pot to Marcus Trufant. Life doesn’t get much better than that. I haven’t yet chatted with eric so I don’t know what his status is… but my coworkers did say you were way out of his league.

It’s true all I’m thinking about is my hippie wedding dress and my dreams of running away with Erick in a Volkswagen bus or RV. We need the larger car of course for my new daughter.

Me: What can I say — I thought I would integrate the Seahawks into my social life. You know how much I love tailgating. I figure, why not add some weed for FREE! See, that’s the beauty of not smoking pot but dating a pot-smoking low time seller…you get that ish fo free bitches. I am thinking of getting his name tattooed on my neck in an illegible scroll font. I plan on spending the majority of my day trolling photoshop and for the just the right one. Additionally, I think it’s appropriate to switch to all Baby Phat clothing and gold jewerly ONLY. This means my closet is open for scrounging and my clothing is all for sale.

On the note of me being way out of eric’s league, is it because I have an actual tan? I know that sometimes its confusing for the MALE Microsofties to grasp the idea of sunlight and exposure to it — and as a result they are often vitamin D difficient. I am intrigued by your comment however and would like you to elaborate please. Just because I have boobs (real, btw) and good fashion (did you see my shoes? they were super cute until 930am when people on the street are like why is that over-dressed fashionista wannabe walking down the street with that scrawny sun-lacking guy? oh it’s a walk of shame? shoulda thought ahead and packed flip-flops.) In all fairness to Eric, he seems like a really nice guy that has the following going for him:
1) a full time job.
2) social skills (even if multiple vodka-redbulls were required)
3) a college degree.
4) a sense of humor.

he does not have:
1) a drug habit.
2) a tarantula (wtf?)

Remind your co-workers that sometimes out-of-league girls need a reality check from dating idiotic, pot addicts that work less that you do in even given day, have no ambition and cannot even be described as college drop-outs because they didn’t drop out — they got KICKED out and then put in jail. Theoretically, Eric is out of MY league because unless he has dated a crack-addicted whore, he might be winning as far as choices go. But I’d prefer if that one was kept between us girls. 🙂

On the note of our joint wedding, I am thinking of using my mom’s wedding dress from her first wedding in the 70’s. White flower eyelets? Yes please. And obviously we need to get a VW bus that runs solely on recycled vegetable oil. Also — your new kid is half asian…so people are totally going to know that you stole her.

L: Lara, I literally can’t stop laughing. Please share this with the world. I almost want to start a blog just to put this up. Especially the tarantula (wtf?) part 🙂 I can’t wait to see you in all Baby Phat…

Me: Why thank you. You shall be the first allowed to pick over my closet for your nice words of encouragement. I only hope that some day your new boy will evolve to become a dealer. You will someday be just as lucky as I. Because seriously WHO THE EFF OWNS A TARANTULA and encourages a girl that openly has a nordstrom visa to LOOK AT IT! I shall blog this but it might take me a few days. I even had to edit this story from my mother, who i am sure would have all sorts of opinions about me 1) being around pot for more than a short period of time and 2) actually witnessing someone buying weed. In my defense, i didn’t smoke any of it.


And for the record, Eric never got my number, called, texted or Facebook friended me. I also forgot to mention I made out with him. Whoops.