The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

As an avid follower of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I was more than entertained by this last weeks’ episode entitled “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.” Dennis educates the gang on his tactics to landing girls, then essentially Jedi Mind-Fucking them. The system is as follows:

  • D – Demonstrate Your Value
  • E – Engage Physically
  • N – Nurturing Dependence
  • N – Neglect Emotionally
  • I – Inspire Hope
  • S – Separate Entirely
Only from a show as totally whacked as Sunny could I see this one coming. No matter what you call it, being DENNIS’ed or Jedi Mind-Fucked, it amazes me how easy it is to fall into the trap of your own head. I can think of various songs that reinforce awkward emotions, such as Colbie Caillat’s “Realize.” Vom.

I mean, I only listened to it like 3…4 times today. I probably should have stuck with “Over and Over Again” with Tim McGraw instead. It just feels like once you start to care, the tables turn and the opposite party no longer does.

So yes, I called my mother in hopes that she could osmosis me her patience, because when it comes to a text message un-returned I want to pull my hair out. There is something about the waiting period that makes it painful to do anything but look at the screen of my iPhone. She, of course, is full of genius ideas that only those of biological decent are privy to.

“He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You..I..I..can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are acting like the best friend.”*

A good friend of mine told me she never liked the initial stages of dating. She told me she found it awkward and stressful. Forced situations that were no where near anything resembling comfortable. And I never got what she was talking about. I never understood her dislike for something I considered to be so carefree and entertaining. I suppose that is the narcissist in me. Who wouldn’t love someone paying attention to you in hopes that you might return the favor?

“I…I’m interrogating you. I haven’t been on a first date in a long time..”*


Then my dating light-bulb moment happened. I finally got it. Once you have had someone, or simply found someone, that knows you inside and out — someone new seems dismal in comparison. It’s all small talk, and getting to know you’s. It’s awkward…and sometimes painful. But, I guess, if you can get through that…it might just be, well, meant to be.

*quotes from one of the best movies ever: the Holiday


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