Bracketology: Broken Down

While trying to pull my allergy-tastic head from the pillow this morning, I got a text from the Queen of Sportcenter reminding me to fill out my 2010 NCAA bracket pre-9am. Seeing that it was pushing 8:30, I was already late and unshowered, I felt it was completely appropriate to take an extra sixty seconds to do this. Yes, sixty seconds.

You think I actually KNOW who I was picking? Cute. Here is a list of the following facts I know about NCAA Men’s Bracketology:
1. I went to Gonzaga; therefore I am obligated to pick them to win through at least the first round.
2. They developed a seed system that will hold my hand while picking teams. No, this was not a system created to determine game locales or match-ups.
3. I will most likely not win any bracket pool I enter.

I believe these three main points sum up why it only takes me approximately one minute to fill out a bracket. If I had to hand write out each time a team was to advance it would probably take me around five minutes. Once again, a big shout out to Al Gore for making my life that much easier. Go Internet!

You probably know very little about college basketball. Sure, you ‘guffaw’ with the drunken ‘gents around you at the bar, or swear along with the Duke-haters. Are we talking about me or you? Me? The blog is called ‘Tales from a Social Narcissist’ – helloooooooooooo.

March Madness is the perfect time to convince yourself, male or female, that you are truly committed to understanding college basketball. If you are not the Queen of Sportcenter, or a male with waaay too much time on your hands, then this means you. (Note: apparently you DO have too much time on your hands, since you are reading my blog. Creeper.) And it also means you must back up your selections with every bead of sweat in your body (ew). Under no circumstances is it acceptable to say “Yeah, you’re right. I should have picked Vandy losing.” (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?) Admitting defeat is a sign of weakness. Do it, and I will no longer allow you to read my un-blocked, completely public blog.

After filling out my bracket, I proceeded to absorb as much information possible that I could repeat at a later time to a different person in order to make myself seem more knowledgeable. Picking teams with a low “Lara Seed,” if you will, is a safe way to play NCAA bracketology. More likely there will be an upset (again, VANDY WTF?) and you can say things like, “Seriously, Vandy. What HAPPENED there?” Realistically, I have never once referred to Vanderbilt as Vandy prior to today. Though it seems to be flying out of my mouth left and right today. Weird, huh? Regardless, this low Lara-seed allows me to understand that Vandy losing is unacceptable and I can verbally shame them for it. Without said number, I would be a hopeless mess of “so what if they lost?” Whew. Dodged that bullet.

Moving on, the tourney is the best excuse I can think of (next to football, baseball..screw it. sports = drinking) to sit around with friends, drinking beer and chuckling about how stupid you are for picking a team that lost out in the first round when you have them in your Final Four. You won’t be named, but I am laughing at you.

Things to be cautious of while watching NCAA basketball:

1. Profanity. My mother scours the streets of Seattle waiting for you, sweet Lara-stalker, to drop an eff-bomb. Watch yourself.
2. Beer. Used as a weapon, beer can be quite detrimental to your dress/jeans/eyes. I don’t know? Maybe you bob for shooters in a pool of beer. Freak. Given the right hand gesture and wrong chair location, you may find yourself dripping in beer.
3. Being a loser. If you happen to attempt to call an overly zealous upset, and are tragically wrong, you’re an idiot and shall be shamed. If you are right, you are a know-it-all that annoys all who surround you. Step carefully before shoving that bracket in anyone’s (my) face. See point 2.
4. Tequila shots. These do not mix well with basketball. Mostly because if you have too many someone, namely me, will write on your forehead “UW SUCKS. GO ZAGS!”

Take that as you will. We are only into Day One of March Madness, and I am sure there will be stories to follow. If for any reason my Zags lose tomorrow night and you try to rub it in my face, I will defriend you on Facebook and paint your dog blue and red.

(Blogspot does not recognize ‘defriend’ as a properly spelled word. C’mon Google, get with the times!)

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