Black & Yellow Nightmares

I am a fantastic shopper. Not only do I take quality into account, I also look for value. Paying full price is a rarity, yet sometimes it must be done.

I can spend hours (literally) trolling travel sites, putting together the best possible outcome for whatever adventure is up next. I have mastered shopping at TJ Maxx by scanning the tops of hangers rather than flipping through each item. I can identify designer jeans by the waist band. I don’t mess around. I’ve even taken to reading the Tuesday mailers from my local grocers — because if I save 50¢ enough times I can buy that new [insert anything but groceries]!

So, you might think when my boss said “research new printers” I’d jump at the opportunity to shop [with permission] during work hours. Wrong. While I graduated with a degree that does place an emphasis on research, I choose to research things like Prague rather than Hewlitt-Packard. You might be thinking, “great! apply those same skills!” While I would, and that sounds like a great, albeit obvious, solution, I seem to have directed myself to blog instead. Mostly because if I don’t stimulate my brain somehow I am going to fall asleep switching between the seven open printer-related browsers.

Here’s the thing about printers. They suck. Sure their benefit is there — they allow us to print documents we can almost never need a physical copy of, encourage us to kill more trees and are generally a pain in the butt when it comes to cartridges. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a printer-a-holic, but that’s only because someone else set up the printer at my office and the only maintenance previously required by me was reloading the paper tray, which I rock at btw. Somehow, while sneakily adding ‘Office Manager’ duties into my job description, I also became responsible for replacing/ordering printer cartridges. Ok, nbd, I can handle that too.

Then the trouble started. A thin yellow line began forming on the long-end, some call it the hot-dog end if you will, of the page when printing in large volumes. Then a black line joined forces with the yellow. Needless to say Wiz Khalifa’s recent hit “Black and Yellow” (click here to listen) causes nightmares up that rival Freddy Krueger and that scene from the movie “Office Space.” Considering that I was printing pages off by the 10’s – I’m very important, don’t confuse me with people that print single pages – this was an extremely miserable, environmentally unfriendly process.

Boss: “Hey L, can you clean the printer?”
What I thought: “No.”
What I said: “Of course!” [with cheer!]

So I tried the only way I technically knew how to clean a printer: a napkin. As it happens, this is not an effective means to printer cleaning and in the end I decided to save everyone a “that-time-of-the-month-you-can-kiss-my-printer-cartridge” freak out and send the files off to Kinko’s. Consider it my own personal gift to everyone else’s sanity.

Crisis averted, yes? No.

Boss: “Hey L, I’d like you to research three new printer options for us because these suck.”
What I thought: “Dammit.”
What I said: “Of course!” [with cheer!]

Let’s see, for the past four-ish hours, give or take depending on if you count Priceline Negotiating for work travel work, I have effectively been avoiding researching this. Why? Because I did not study printers at college and if I were shopping for a personal printer, which I never would because helloooooooo I can print for free at work, I would buy the one the sales guy told me too. Just like I change my oil when the oil change guy tells me too.

For the record, I am all about equality. If the person that changed my oil was a woman, I’d listen to her too. Unless she was showing cleavage. In which case I’d assume she had just boinked the guy that really changes my oil and thought giving advice to unsuspecting motorists was a funny trick. I digress.

When chosing between two options, I tend to pick the more visually pleasing one — which apparently isn’t the most recommended way to shop for electronics. This is likely the reason I am obsessed with all things Apple. They are simple, streamlined and pretty. Sure they have a fantastic track record for…working…but that’s not the point. My first virtual stop on this shopping escapade from h-e-double hockey sticks (HELL!!) was because if Apple says “buy,” I say “here’s my credit card. you keep it.” They had one recommendation and one recommendation only, which means that I am forced to get out of “the box” to get this done.

That being said, I think I will continue to procrastinate. There is probably an Excel spreadsheet that needs updating or something. Or a printer to yell profanities at.

(PS: YOU’RE welcome, people I work with that don’t read my blog because I write about you and your annoying tendencies.)