Like, ohmigod, totally ‘Trick or Treat!"

For Halloween this year, I was entirely lame. I didn’t get a costume, nor did I go to a party. Rather, I grocery shopped, made dinner, then sat with my laptop waiting for trick or treaters to come to the door. Sometimes, it’s great to have friends that live in the ‘burbs.


How is this entertaining, you ask yourself? Well, the majority of it isn’t. What immediately struck me as “my life for your entertainment” was my encounter with the Safeway checker.

I approached the checkout and began unloading my cart. This is where it all started.

Checker: Let me guess, college student?
Me: Oh, no no, I graduated.
Checker: No, your costume..

Yoga pants + Sweater = college student.

Me: Ah yes. During finals week. Ha. Ha. Ha.

After making a silly crack about his own army costume (note: apparently it’s illegal for him to wear it, even though he’s retired…) I entered a realm of blushing and TMI.

Generally, all things kid related make me go “awwwwww” and put a smile on my face. Not this time. We, nay HE, dove into a “s*it my kid says” type of conversation. He was kind of ringing up my groceries but mostly telling me about his 4-year old’s bowel movements.

Ok, fine, that is a slight exaggeration. Regardless, my eyes begin to roam with my thoughts.

“I love this wallet….”
“Why is he scanning so slowly? Doesn’t he know about trick or treaters?”
“Let’s see…who’s standing behind me…”

He continues, “…so anyways, of course we had to go to Value Village for his costume. $4!”

I nod, then add “What a deal!”

“It’s basically too small, but you know kids, even though it’s up his butt he doesn’t care.”


“…and I tell him it’s ok to say ‘bottom,’ because, well, that’s what it is.”

More nodding on my part.

“…but, of course, he says ‘penis.'”

My eyes snapped forward, while my cheeks turned a hot shade of red. My eyes shifted to the line of men behind me. Was I shrinking? Or does that not happen in reality, and only in movies with Rick Moranis? Somehow I managed out an awkward chuckle.

“…which is fair because that’s what it is you know.”

Back to the nodding. Maybe if I don’t make eye contact he’ll figure it out.

“…because I don’t want him using the word ‘dick.'”

OH MY GOD. Take my wallet! Take my credit cards! Take my groceries! YOU KEEP THEM.

Don’t get me wrong, the male anatomy is…um, well it’s there, can I leave it at that? I have no trouble with sexuality but PLEASE MAN save me AND YOUR CHILD a little bit of embarrassment and skip the penis talk. Or at least warn me, so I can put my Zumba cloths on and chug some vodka while I’m at it. Oye.