Vegas Asked, I Answered: Part Deux

A continuation of my Q&A with Las Vegas

Did you count calories while in LV?
Count? Haha. I could barely walk, what makes you think I was of the mindset to count? Based on our schedule (see below) there was very little time to eat/count/give a shit. Schedule was as follows:

6 am: Go to bed.
11 am: Zombie walk to bathroom.
1230 pm: Leave hotel.
115 pm: Find food.
145 pm: Attempt to eat.
2 pm: Puke (optional)
215 pm: Continue trying to eat.
3 pm: Nap.
4 pm: Zombie walk to bathroom.
430 pm: Get life together. Don’t shower.
5 pm: Adeline-rush self to GU Alumni social. Drink. Bullshit about how amazing I am.
8 pm: Shower. Get cute. Bitch about wearing high heels.
9 pm: Get a racist cab driver to take us three blocks to destination.
10 pm: Elbow way to bar. Pay way too much for a drink and immediately regret not wearing a lower cut dress. Or clothes at all.
11 pm: Lose exit buddy; don’t care.
12 am: Take shoes off.
1230 am: Find unsuspecting idiot to buy $15 drinks.
1 am: Put shoes back on. Be amazed at how feet don’t hurt.
1:02 am: Take shoes off. Bitch.
1 am-4 am: Continue ‘to shake shake my ass ass, show show my thong thong.’
4:15 am-6 am: Eat mushroom pizza. Drink Gatorade. Hobble back to hotel room. Pass out.

According to this schedule, I left two time windows for meals. My caloric intake was clearly the least of my worries, as it seems my darling LV creates a temporary eating disorder with all that vacation there.

If you could describe the cabbies with one word, what would it be?
Racist.

I am not sure this answer needs elaboration, however I can tell you that in the span of 91-hours somewhere around..oh every cabbie we had was racist. The N-bomb was dropped on various occasions, specifically by one driver who I am almost 98% sure did not have a green card. Weird…we also had a cabbie that left us with the name “Team White Bread.” Take that as you will.

Is cash necessary?
Another debatable question. I would say yes – because what happens if you find yourself without an exit buddy in a cab with a cab driver who wants to take you to a white supremacy meeting instead of back to your hotel? You are totally screwed. Unless you have good tuck-and-roll form. In which case, you might be covered. Otherwise pack cash dear friend. Yes, PACK IT. Don’t think you are going to be able to find an ATM and just ‘get cash.’ You’ll get cash and a buttload of bank/ATM/you’re an idiot-fees. Don’t be dumb.

Do you have a ‘Vegas Personality’?
Obviously. Who doesn’t? Didn’t you see the Friends episode when Pheobe introduced herself as Regina Fallangee? She had it figured out YEARS ago, why don’t you? You need a believable yet totally ridiculous name, a legitimate occupation that you can bs about since you clearly have no real understanding of it and a new location that you have at least a minor amount of knowledge.

Example:
Name: Tami. With an ‘i’ [insert giggle]
Occupation: Real Estate.
Location: Portland.
Phone number: If you’re an idiot, like me, you’ll probably be too ruhtarded to make this one up. That’s your (and my) own fault. Just remember when you answer the phone to pretend like it’s either a wrong number or you have no idea who this person is…oh, and if you miss the call and they get your voicemail, hence realizing it’s either a wrong name or number? YAHTZEE!

Nice hotel or seedy motel?
EW! Why would you even ask me that. Who wants to stay in a rodent/insect infested motel JUST to save on cost? If I wanted to save money I would have shacked-up with some rando. The extra $15 a night is worth it to stay someplace comfortably located in the middle of everything. Believe me, there will be other girls walk-of-shaming it home tomorrow morning – so you won’t be the only one. If that’s the case, try this line – “I’m staying at _______ but I can stay where yooooou’re staying.”*As said by someone who knew a girl who knew a guy who heard it from his cousins roommate. If you can wink, great, insert that here. If not, don’t try. You’ll end up looking like a stoner-raisonette. I promise.

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